Previously..
So in one of my first entries after I arrived in Spain, I relayed that my mom’s Billem is no longer in the picture. I guess that just makes him Billem for all future references. I was in a layover on Sunday when I found this out, still en route to my final destination. I didn’t have much time to talk on the phone, so most of what I could get in was asking how she was when she told me that apparently it’s over between them. She said she was fine actually. Knowing her like I do, I don’t doubt that she was at the time. I’m guessing that now, perhaps not so much. But I’ll get to that, first some background for perspective.
For those of you that don’t know, my mom’s a smoker. She has been for years. And yes, there is irony in that her profession deals with the lungs and heart and she smokes. She also has no intent on kicking the habit anytime soon. It’s a vice of hers and it’s one she isn’t bent out of shape having. When she first met Billem, it was one thing that was stated up front because people have preferences. Whether Billem was dead set against a smoker or not, I can’t tell you. But since he was open to talk with my mom and meet, it didn’t seem like it was a deal breaker. They meet, have a few dates, and they seem to enjoy each other’s company. X amount of years later, they’re still seeing each other and I get into this conundrum about what to call it because saying my mom’s boyfriend just seemed wrong.
Some time back things weren’t all roses and rainwater. My mom talked with me in a rare moment of seeking my thoughts and just having someone to talk to. Not to say we don’t ever do that, but it was different. She didn’t let it be something to muse over a couple days. She came out with it. Basically it was slightly against her nature. So we talk. She decides what she’s going to do and apparently it works out. Mind you, for the sake of perspective what changed from when they first met to that time was the fact that my mom worked much more [three jobs total actually] and that Billem’s kids weren’t necessarily at home like they used to be. She’d cancel getting togethers because she was dead tired and wanted to sleep instead of nap in between shifts. Annd on occasion when my time off synced with her time off, she wanted to spend time with her precious angel [that would be me for all confused you cheeky f’ers]. It can be boiled down to a ‘we don’t do $thing like we did when we first met’ which fed into a ‘I guess she’s not interested in being with me’ which resulted in an email stating things were getting broken off. Paraphrased mind you, but that’s the gist. There were reasons in there for why, etc. Personally, it’s all stupidity and what happens when people get caught up in not saying things instead of balls to the wall coming out and saying it. Things like that, there’s never a ‘right’ time for it beyond right now because if you wait for someone to ‘pick up’ on it, you might be waiting a long time. It’s not that simple I know, but actually it really is when you trim all the ‘fat’ from it. That’s always been how I see it, but people have their reasons for not speaking up. We all have motives; a lot times it sparing the other or falling prey to the thinking you may be jumping the gun and should wait it out. Most times the latter is done by someone that did and the result was not something they want a repeat of. Like I said simplicity that gets mucked up.
So, kinks worked through, they’re together again. Fast forward to now. My mom’s best friend and ‘adopted’ sister is crashing with us for a bit, and there was this vibe in the air [this is my own observation by the by] that things were a bit awkward in that tense, resistive way. Billem usually made himself scarce when mom’s pals would come by from out of town so she could spend time with them while they were here, but I always got this vibe of ‘oh, she’s spending time with $person_that_isn’t_me.’ Which is fine, because given mom’s schedule..she didn’t have many days to do that. So that taken into account, feeling a bit burned because she chooses to spend time with a friend visiting from out of town, or me when I’m free when she is- I can see why feelings of disappointment happen. Since my ‘aunt’ is crashing with us for a bit, this means that there’s three of us in the household at any given time [though I’ve put my foot down on the wild shin digs..they have to make the partiers clean up. I run a tight ship]. It means that’s another person to compete with for face time with my mom. It’s a harsh sounding way to put it, but that’s what it is.
The ‘last straw’ was the Saturday I left. The night before, I answered the phone, it was Billem and he asked if there’d been any plans for Saturday. I told him apart from taking me to the airport, not that I knew of. [Hadn’t seen mom or my ‘aunt’ that much actually]. He said he might end up coming over. Said cool, I’ll be here, probably packing still. Just give a ring when you’re on you’re way. Later I find that he had managed to catch my mom at work or on her way home something to that effect and when he asked about coming over and/or doing something with her Saturday, she said no. He was bummed out.
When I see her at breakfast, I asked if he ended up coming over, that he called, etc and she said yeah she knew and no, he hadn’t. I shrugged. Didn’t think anything of it because it wasn’t the first time he might have stopped only to change his mind or something came up and he couldn’t. I hug my ‘aunt’ mom takes me to the airport, we hug, ‘have a good flight, I’ll call you when I get there’s..the usual and I’m off. When I’m in a layover Sunday, I talk with Mom and find out that whole ‘no’ didn’t go over well. He was mad, he cursed while expressing his anger on the phone- she hung up. I blinked [not at the hanging up part..Barry didn’t call mom a T-Rex because she was tall] it was at the ‘that’s it, the end, fini.’
I talk with her yesterday while in the Laundromat, watching an episode of Pych. I ask how things are with that and she said she was good as the last I talked to her about it, it was at the ‘come get your stuff and I want my house key’ point [cause she was..fini]. Stuff was got, key returned. He has sent her emails and a text since. The text said he missed her and the emails went on about her and her ‘demon addiction’ [yes those words were used and said demon addiction would be her smoking since she has no interest quitting]. So we talk. I mostly listen, keeping an eye on dryers for an open one, my laundry was nearly washed. While listening to her it boiled down to something very simple and very, very wrong. She was broken, he’d fix her. Except instead of being open armed and thankful, she said no. [That’s the nicer version at any rate].
Veteran readers know that one thing that gets under my skin are people with that mentality and thinking of ‘it’s ok, we’ll fix you, then you’ll fit into my life.’ I’ve encountered it many times and each time it took on a slightly different guise. Ultimately each time, I grew a little more in terms of knowing myself and shirking off molds and expectations. I’ve gone over that in detail with my Pretty Little Mask writing. I can say that nothing will end any slack cutting or understanding in a relationship [in whatever form it is] than someone intent on fixing what isn’t broken.
And that’s what I told her or rather agreed with her about, because in the time since, she came to that conclusion. As long as you continue smoking, you’re broken. But s’ok, he’ll fix you. He may cite whatever things he wants inclusive of trying to use me [which is territory best not tread in terms of emotional blackmail- T-Rex remember?] When he couldn’t persuade aka manipulate you to do it, then that was that. It’s a lot like the Born Again Christians that tried to get their shepherd hooks into me, once they realized [as slow as they were to] that I wasn’t going to pour myself into one of their pre-approved molds..their unconditional love was suddenly not for me. Basically it smacks of ‘if you’re not willing to change, then you must not really $whatever about me.’ To which I say horseshit and ‘take em as they are, or not at all.’
She’s still trying to grasp what he’s trying to convey in the mails to her, offering up she should forward them masking why she was willing as I’d get a laugh from them in the sense of how obvious it was he didn’t pay attention, but that doesn’t matter much. I know I probably will find humor in them because I do know my mom and while she didn’t quite say for a different perspective the same vibe as the time before was there So after I come back from the Laundromat, I put away my clothes, resume The Departed while doing so and eating ‘dinner.’ When I fire up my email program later, sure enough, there they were. Naturally I read the emails and I am sad they even exist. My mom’s responses relay how she isn’t one to converse via email about things like that, but that she’s old skool in that she 1) it’s faster speaking about it than typing it and 2) if you want to talk, do it face to face -you can’t hide under a cover when she’s face to face with you, not that she likes confrontation [much] in so much as she isn’t afraid to have them when the occasion merits them.
In summary they are pathetic. That’s how it hits me. I know there aren’t many definites in this world, but they do exist. Essentially the hang up is mom’s smoking and the fact that she refuses to quit. Last I checked, she entitled to that choice. Do I like my mom’s smoking? No I don’t. She knows that I don’t. So she won’t smoke in car nine times outta ten. I’ve never wanted to smoke, so I can’t quite understand the wanting a ciggie so bad that ya gotta. If it’s anything like my solving a coding problem and can’t do anything else until it’s done..then maybe I have a good idea. Be that as it may, my mom’s mindful that other people don’t like smoking and smokers. The idiots on their soapboxes about it..well, she misplaces her manners. These would be the people that conveniently forget that we have industrial areas that pump shit into the air as bad and many times worse than smoke and second hand smoke, and let’s not forget exhaust fumes in general. What’s laughable is the insinuation that it is an addiction. I don’t care what psychology references and definitions are spouted, I don’t equate hardcore drug abuse [smack, meth or narcotics] or alcoholism with smoking despite the commonality is that your body grows accustomed to the presence of nicotine. That’s a weak thread to base your argument on. Be that as it may, and call it whatever makes you feel good about yourself, the whole ‘you’re denying you addiction’ vibe doesn’t bother me. It makes me laugh in that kind of one gut breath pushed out the nose smirk laugh hybrid complete with smile tugging your lips from one side. It’s the whole offer of I’ve beaten it, I can help you beat it to if you let me. ‘You’re broken. I can fix you.’
That and this isn’t the first time he’s tried to coerce my mom into quitting. He’s even tried it via trying to get me to talk to her about it. And I know better. Not on just the account of ‘fixing’ someone so they fit into your life better, but knowing that she’ll quit if she wants to and all I can say is that I’m happy to hear it. When she responded she can’t make heads or tails what point he’s trying to make, he gets reactive and throws an accusation of denial. And the niceties were done at that point. My mom responds, and even gives it in writing what he’s after. He hits back with a classic definition of denial. And to my knowledge, mom doesn’t grace it with a reply. When I talked with her, she simply said if he wants to talk, he knows the number. The thing that makes me say she perhaps isn’t as ok with the whole thing now is the fact that he tried to ‘fix’ her and the ending line of his last email where he asks where he totally misses the point of why she’s angry, he redirects it as she must need another cigarette to chill her out, much like a woman has to be PMSing to be pissed the fuck off.
It’d be one thing if it ended on different grounds, like they were growing apart, or they didn’t share the same interests. It doesn’t bother me that he needed so much to have my mom admit she was addicted to smoking [whatever a victory like that means, huzzah I suppose], I find it laughably pathetic. No, what bothers me was this pressing need in those emails and in the times before to ‘get her to see she’s wrong about her attitude with her smoking.’ I suppose it’s because I come from the house of thought of you don’t impose your will on other people, period. And when she wouldn’t bend to it, he threw a fit and stomped all the way home. Crude terms yes, but when you cut away the fat, that’s what happened. And I am sad for my mom that it did. She deserves better.
Adamus says
Some comments on this.
First, it’s usually the woman that wants to ‘fix’ the man. Refreshing to see that this particular delusion is not unique to the female gender.
Second, smoking is an addiction in ever sense of the word. In terms of physical and psychological addiction it’s right up there with heroin and alcohol. However the damaging influence on a human body is minute compared to other addictions. Smoking is probably among the least harmful addictions you can have – and at most it shaves a few months off your lifespan, not a few decades as some fanatics would have you believe.
Third, give your mom a hug from me. Alcoholic consolation is on its way.
Chelle says
On comment numero dos [2]: I know it is. But what you’ve said right there is right on the money with my thoughts on the whole thing. Though I guess I don’t see it much as one since my mom can go hours [say..during her workshifts] without lighting up, moreso being twitchy about getting the nicotine fix. Suppose that’s neither here nor there, the thing is, the fact she’s a smoker wasn’t like this dirty lil secret she was hoarding.
As soon as I’m back in the States, big hug from you via me to her. 😛