Relating

I realized that I am a question/survey/interview ho. That’s what all of my Myspace posts are. Questions and funny lil quickies that advertise that I’m a flirty whore who’ll pose for the camera in exchange for sex. Kinda like horoscopes…vague enough to apply but not quite there. Here recently, there’s been a lot of relationship type surveys and it got me to thinking. Don’t panic, there was none of the magic smoke.

I get to thinking of my Research phase- the time right out of college where having most of my identity intact, I went on to discover my sexual identity. I mean, I’d basically been with only two people at that point. Though in retrospect, J was the greatest lover I’ve had..and so far, he’s been a tough act for manbeasts to follow. While I’ll cringe and/or wince when that research phase is brought up [frequently by Antou who just gets a kick outta it..particularly the part where I threw them out], it needed to happen. I learned a lot about what it is -I- wanted out of a relationship and what worked for me. But mostly the things that got me thinking were the questions about cheating and fidelity. Most would think since I was cheated on, I’d have an anti-stance about it. I realized where I used to have simple cut n dry answers, my experiences have changed my perspectives. Or rather, opened my eyes to the gray world.

When I made things about me and what I wanted, I opened myself up for more possibilities. Hence my research phase. I tried the flings, the just physical relationships and I learned what it was I needed out of those for them to be worth pursuing. Hard enough not being cast from the same mold as other girls, because I chucked out the whole living up to other’s expectations a long time ago. Doesn’t mean that they don’t exist anymore. Thinking back to when I started dating after college, I actually resent all this pressure I was feeling about impressions and what will be expected. Kiss or no kiss, when’s the right time to go for more…will I be labeled as a slut or easy when I decide I’m tapping that ass. You know, until the real me shouted loud enough for me to hear her through all those chaotic thoughts: the ‘game’ was jacked up. I rewrote the rules: It’s all about me. I put out who I am. I’m not liked, I’m not liked. I got sick of this idea that I was ‘broken’ if someone wasn’t interested [this was latent confidence issues], moreover I was broken for not being the stereotypical something. The latter I resented. Because pre-conceived notions are going to change if people keep kow-towing to them. That’s where I said screw it. I’m doing this my way.

In the process I’ve given some thought to relationships in general. A lot of it boils down to my being a fan of people taking responsibility for their own actions. Even though Wonderboy cheated on me, I don’t look down as if I’m righteous on someone that cheats. It’s their choice, they’ll have to reap what they sow. I won’t chase a taken individual. For me, taken is taken is taken. Call me old-fashioned in that sense. If the takee chases me, that’s their choice and my path of action depends. Don’t misread me, I don’t condone cheating. I’d like to think that saying perhaps they should stop and think about what they think they’re missing before reaching the point of no return would give them pause. But they’re gonna do what they’re gonna do. I save my judgment because I’m no angel. I’ve made bad decisions, and I’m not the only one, no matter what people say. I just don’t hide the fact that I’m not perfect, even though my nature and personality pushes me to be. It mostly boils down that I try hard to not pass judgment..simply because I’ve been judged in one way or another. Broken, unassuming, the smart fat kid, the quiet one, the nice one, the church-going school girl…the mystery about me isn’t on purpose. I don’t trust people. Always aware of how I’m perceived on appearance alone, I’m inherently suspicious of people having an interest in me as my personality isn’t overtly advertised- I tend to watch people first to decide if they’re worth knowing. You’ll always be amazed what people say and do when they think you aren’t paying them any mind.