I’ve been writing a follow-up? a check-in? of sorts to No Man is An Island (NMIAI); part of the commitment I made to myself about my well-being were the honest responses, the ventures into territory that frightened me (gentle ventures, or rather ardent attempts with the kindness that it’s OK to back away as long as I test it out again), the maintenance of boundaries, etc. Part of that is a daily inventory of my headspace. At least twice- when I get it together to start the day and when I’m closing the day out. So, I’ve been journaling that, still finding something that works for me. Right now it’s a container of folded slips of paper wherein I’ve written accomplishments. On particularly crappy days, or even darkening days, I read a few of them, until I feel ready to think about why was the day crappy/looking too much like everyday in Elsewhere. I’ll be honest in that it’s not a firm routine yet. I honestly forget there’s a pile of ‘Oi! You accomplished a thing you resplendent motherfucker!’ there, so maybe I need to make it louder. Or a calendar reminder. Or both.
All of that considered it’s been promising and the fact that it is work doesn’t make it feel so daunting that I just don’t do the work. Though there are plenty of times I am tired of doing that work. And I work through that. One day I may even venture away from the cautious thinking of ‘don’t bask in how well it’s going t0o much..hubris doesn’t discriminate’ or the feeling of relief that things are finally easing off me. I’m still deconstructing the hyper-awareness of waiting for some other shoe to drop.
“We’ll only need you half time until $month”
Record Scratch. Gorramit..
It’s hard for me to not think that when I feel like I’m getting some solid, steady footholds, the Cosmos gums the works, for SCIENCE!
That’s a very simple roll-up of a tasking conversation I had right before my birthday,as in a day before my birthday. And $deitydammit if it didn’t fuck up what little cognitive routine I have for healing.
The way I work, I have moderately long term assignments. This one has about a year’s time left. But as I found out during that conversation, I do not. So I sent my supervisor a head’s up because that means I’m a freed up resource for another assignment that can use/take advantage of the skills and such I bring to the table. I was bothered. It sounded like this had been discussed for a bit well before the notice I was getting that left just a few months to line up something else. The other bother is I wondered if I would’ve been alerted at all since it happened as a tangent to the topic of discourse. I can’t help but feel that if it was a maybe early on, just tell me about the maybe. You can decide it’s better for the product to hand off that early or to commit to finishing to a percentage then handing off or however it’s determined to be the right action for finishing. So it hits almost like it’s coming from nowhere. But it isn’t really. There exists solid reasoning and it likely didn’t just materialize out of the ether. It still would have been nice to know before when I was told.
It bothered me. I love the work. I was already trying to make sure I didn’t harm myself (mentally) gearing up for the task of trying to find similar work in a year’s time. I cried. Then I was irritated I was crying. (I’m usually irritated when that happens and there’s not art going on before me). Then I tried to suck it up, because I didn’t want any of that ‘Are you OK?’ dance. There are apathetic assholes near my workspace that don’t care. And for the rare instance someone genuinely is concerned…there are apathetic assholes near my workspace. There’s not going to be conversation for nearly all nearby to hear about why the tears. And that’s mostly because I wholeheartedly doubt the first thought going through minds would be to not mentally berate a mind that is still healing from a shitload of abuse. I already know I’m not up for making the distinction, or to educate (and that I’m not obligated to do so either). That is it isn’t their damn business either. I’m still making sure I’m still OK having told my supervisor about having come through clinical depression and being vigilant I don’t ever go back. That’s about all I’m willing to do. I’m sure that added to the annoyance. I should have been able to weep silently because that’s what I was feeling instead of trying to bundle it away. Hell, I don’t get a lot of people stopping by physically anyway but it’d be the time someone would. And someone did after I got a handle on the waterworks. If they noticed they were kind enough to say nothing.
I mucked through some panic, since I well know that my reactions to events like these- I could choose poorly and validating that is just honest. So I breathe and look ahead and decide I don’t have to process it all completely. I let it wade out for the day after taking inventory- this hurt for reasons, all of them I didn’t know yet but I was certain if I didn’t give it some line, I’d start manufacturing some based on nothing substantial. I didn’t want to cancel the plans that had been made for my birthday, but the first thought in my head was, ‘Not going to dinner tomorrow.’ And then I thought of the ‘Why not?’ that would be asked and my failing to explain because all I knew at that point is I felt bad. I could feel worse. I most certainly could make it worse, I have an established track record of that. But I also didn’t want to do something that I was doing for someone else or someones else because it was easier to humor them in the stead of my well-being- feeling like I couldn’t say no because I already knew my answer to ‘Why not?’ wasn’t an iron clad response. Because ultimately that’s what it would be.
Instead, I readied the extra bed, and in turn the sleeping place for our guest and decided that since the only open time my supervisor has to talk game plan was early the following week, fuck it- let it wade. It’s my Birthday, there’s a family friend en route that we haven’t seen in years and as a result, there were plans for places to go and ways to while the day. In truth, I compromised. I had some things for work I wanted to work on. The rest of the house, guest included, would be downtown. Or rather, braving downtown while nature decided it wasn’t Fall just yet. And in the midst of that work, I had the room to collapse from the news if that’s what needed to happen – i.e. I had a safety that was readily accessible. And come Sunday, no concrete plans, just in case. It turns out I needed the safety. As a result I was up for brunch the next day. So it worked.
I can’t remember the last time a birthday of mine was a weekend long deal. It was nice. I think it worked because I wasn’t afraid to say no, even if it had a qualifier of ‘I can’t, $reasons.’ It’s still hard to do that- there are people in my immediate area that don’t understand not wanting to be seen, so not going out. They don’t understand not being able to will through something or ride a wave of ‘fuck you’ energy to do something. I was reminded of that on Sunday. And it bothered me, but it was also nice to be right about something I felt on instinct. I’m still working on rebuilding that confidence. The next day they apologized, conceding they don’t understand. They’re trying, but they don’t understand. That’s all I ask. For that trust that I’m working on it and when I say No, it’s either one of two things. I am genuinely disinterested or I took inventory and it was in my best interests to decline.
Each pitfall, each stumbling block like this, just keeps showing how far the damage went. I haven’t had a lot of time to fully process it. I just know it bothers me and at the same time, the earlier I’m aware of damage that needs to be triaged and attended to, the better. I learned a lot this year. Still bothers me. Still angers me. Still frustrates me. So, as I summed in NMIAI, ‘Because behind them I’m feeling something. And that’s fucking progress.’
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